Amanda Hopper Writes

A writer's tale of living and working in the country.

Redneck Pre-flight Checklist

There are people who fly often, the Armani-suited businessmen, and then there are people who you are quite certain have only come out of the wilderness for some cruise they won in a magazine drawing. They are the same people who are hard to look at on the return flight because the red glare coming off their skin is both blinding and painful.
Although my husband has been traveling more lately, our experience Friday night brought up some, well, redneck issues that could turn the TSA experience from one of a few minutes of humiliation to one of a weekend spent handcuffed to a chair. So my fellow humans who prefer brisket to caviar and nights in the deer stand to the opera, here is a friendly checklist to review before flying.

Redneck Pre-flight Checklist and Guidelines
1.) Be sure to follow all of the TSA guidelines when checking your handgun. We fully understand the need to protect yourself in the wild lands outside of Texas, but concealed-carry is not popular inside the airport.
2.) Turn your pockets inside-out before leaving the ticket counter. You may have forgotten that 5-inch knife that you always carry for emergencies, or the shotgun shells that you left in there the last time you went hunting.
3.) Do not engage in bullet reloading the week before a flight. TSA frequently swabs hands for explosive residue and guess what is left on your fingers after reloading? Yup. Gun powder. We understand that you were only making bullets for the stockpile, but the man in the uniform may be a Yankee. 
4.) Be sure that the deer meat is cleaned and processed. Blood leaking from the duck-tapped cooler riding around the luggage carousel tends to alarm the Feds. 
5.) The officer is not really asking for your permission to pat you down even though he just saw you buck-naked in the scanner. Your options are to hold still and take it like a man/woman, or be forced to hold still under the weight of a 300 pound TSA officer while not one but five guys look for “hidden” weapons.
Hopefully these five rules will help you avoid any unnecessary jail time. Thank you for paying exorbitant amounts of money to be fondled in public and be sure to place your copy of the bill of rights in the shredder when you remove your shoes for security. Please do not to gorge yourself on the 5 peanuts that are handed to you by the flight attendant and it is customary to at least get the name of the man on sitting next to you on the flight since you shared an intimate 12-inch space with him for three hours.
Have a safe flight! 

1 Comment

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