We are under attack. Therefore, the only option we have is to defend ourselves and our property. The enemy?

Grasshoppers.

I’m not talking about the cute 1/4 inch bright green darlings that sweetly hop from leaf to leaf quietly munching. I’m talking about the terrors that fill Texas fields in the summer. Taking a stroll in the pasture is like falling into an air-pop popcorn machine¬† and being pelted with three-inch-long grasshoppers instead of fluffy popcorn kernels.

They eat everything. EVERYTHING. Even fiberglass window screens … which is why my house is screen-less from June to September.

grasshopperscreens

Operation Screen Removal.

After two years of replacing them we learned our lesson. Fool me once …

Texas grasshoppers are like ninja assassins. They wait patiently by your doors, waiting for any opening and then BAM! you stumble backwards after the thing hits you in the face and flies, yes flies – they have giant wings- and makes a break for the air conditioning. The bigger they get, the smarter they become.

grasshopper

This one made it into the bathroom undetected. He was only 2-inches-long. A mere babe by Texas standards.

Even the dog is afraid of them. How humiliating. Our mighty dog, who protects us from all sorts of wild animals and ill-meaning people, curls into a ball and whimpers when a kamikaze grasshopper breaches the household defenses and makes it inside.

I am scouring the internet for ways to destroy the virtual colony of grasshoppers that have claimed my farm as their home. The quickest and pesticide-free way to kill them? Squish them. So if you see me jumping around in the pasture with my head back laughing like a mad git? I’m just claiming my place at the top of the food chain.